Stupid Warning Labels

Our lawsuit-obsessed society has forced product manufacturers to cover their “you-know-whats” by writing warning labels to protect us from ourselves. Some are funny, some are absolutely ridiculous, but all are guaranteed to stand up in court.

1. Child-size Superman and Batman costumes come with this warning label: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

2. A clothes iron comes with this caution: “Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.” Ouch!

3. The instructions for a medical thermometer advise: “Do not use orally after using rectally.”

4. The side of a Slush Puppy cup warns: “This ice may be cold.” The only thing dumber than this would be a disclaimer stating: “No puppies were harmed in the making of this product.”

5. The box of a 500-piece puzzle reads: “Some assembly required.”

6. A Power Puff Girls costume discourages: “You cannot save the world!”

7. A box of PMS relief tablets has this advice: “Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problems.”

8. Cans of Easy Cheese contain this instruction: “For best results, remove cap.”

9. A warning label on a nighttime sleep-aid reads: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

10. Cans of self-defense pepper spray caution: “May irritate eyes.

11. Both boys and girls should read the label on the Harry Potter toy broom: “This broom does not actually fly.”

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Here, for your continued enjoyment are 20 more of the dumbest examples of this phenomenon:

1. CD Player > Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult
2. Electric Router > This product is not intended for use as a dental drill
3. Chainsaw > Do not attempt to stop chain with hands
4. Dishwasher > Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher
5. Fireplace Log > Caution, risk of fire
6. Sleeping Pills > Warning: May cause Drowsiness
7. Underarm spray deodorant > Do not spray in eyes
8. Hair Dryer > Never use hairdryer while sleeping
9. Laser Printer Toner > Do not eat toner
10. Small Wheeled Wheelbarrow > Not intended for highway use
11. TV Remote Control > Not dishwasher safe
12. Car Windscreen Sun shield > Do not drive with sun shield in place
13. Bathroom Heater > This product is not to be used in bathrooms
14. Air Conditioner > Do not place hand in fan whilst fan is running
15. Bicyclist’s Shin Guards > Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body that they do not cover
16. TV Set Manual > Do not pour liquids into the TV
17. CD Player > Warning: Dangerous warning inside
18. Birthday Candles > Do not use soft wax as earplugs or any other function that involves insertion into body cavity
19. Baby Stroller > Remove baby before folding
20. Aim-n-Flame Fireplace Lighter > Do not use near fire, flame or sparks

This list was sourced from the book “Unusually Stupid Americans” published in 2003 by Villard.

Amusing Oxymorons

Definition of an Oxymoron

Oxymorons are literary figures of speech usually composed of a pair of neighboring contradictory words (often within a sentence). A simpler way of saying this is … An oxymoron is a combination of words that contradict each other. However, this is not always the case. The Webster Dictionary defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”.

Oxymorons can be used for dramatic effect, such as crash landing and deafening silence. They can also be amusing or comical, such as in criminal justice. Clearly this is not an oxymoron in the true and strict sense, but the suggestion that it is oxymoronic is humorous.

Perhaps the most well-known of all oxymorons is Jumbo Shrimp, at least in the United States. Now in the UK, a Jumbo Shrimp is better known as a King Prawn.

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Take a good look at the paragraph below – - Notice anything strange about it?

It makes some sort of sense, but it is loaded with contradictions as well.

These are called oxymorons. Now read the paragraph that follows.

Have you ever noticed that it’s simply impossible to find seriously funny oxymorons online? The only choice is to ask one of those paid volunteers at the library – the ones in the long-sleeved T-shirts – for an original copy of some obviously obscure documents that were found missing amongst some paperwork almost exactly one hundred years ago.

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Here is a selection of more oxymorons – That is oxymorons in a loose sense of the word – Enjoy

1. jumbo shrimp
2. same difference
3. pretty ugly
4. definite maybe
5. old news
6. open secret
7. act naturally
8. crash landing
9. found missing
10. peace force
11. deafening silence
12. Advanced BASIC
13. Great Depression
14. criminal justice
15. virtual reality
16. almost exactly
17. minor crisis
18. exact estimate
19. free love
20. free trade
21. larger half
22. alone together
23. clearly misunderstood
24. almost perfect
25. liquid gas
26. seriously funny
27. simply impossible
28. obviously obscure
29. tragic comedy
30. sweet sorrow
31. constant variable
32. extinct life
33. only choice
34. paid volunteer
35. working holiday
36. clearly confused
37. Hell’s Angels
38. living dead
39. unbiased opinion
40. original copy
41. plastic glasses
42. even odds
43. genuine imitation
44. freezer burn
45. rolling stop
46. long-sleeved T-shirt
47. Sweet Tart
48. butt-head
49. silent scream
50. student teacher
51. good grief
52. near miss
53. hot chilli
54. taped live
55. now then
56. tight slacks
57. light tanks

Here are some images that need no explanation – They “speak” for themselves

Can you think of any others?

Let me know…